TV preview for this weekend and June 3rd

This weekend, there will as usual be a lot of programmes on British television. These will include an episode of the world’s greatest-ever sitcom Dad’s Army and lots of gripping snooker – as well as the news, which hopefully will feature a clip of Kingsley sprinting across the Firhill pitch to hug somebody (Kris Doooooooooooolan, who could potentially be making his 401st Jags appearance this arvo? Banzo? Blair Spittal? Christie Elliott? James Penrice? Gary Harkins?) after we whoop Ayr again. Also there will be two 1987 TOTPs on both of which Rick Astley sang his famous list of things he’s never gonna do. On a pay-per-view channel there will be the Edinburgh derby at Easter Road. Craig Levein’s list of things he’s never gonna do includes “never gonna give Ryan Edwards any first-team game time” which doesn’t really scan as a song. (The scorer of 2017/18’s Thistle Goal of the Season – the worldie he scored in the Right Said Fred Cup against St.Johnstone – has only played for Hearts’ first team in the pre-season friendly against us, which is almost certainly the only Jambos first-team game wee Ryan will ever play. For some strange reason he played for Hearts’ youth team in August.)

There will also be a lot of programmes on British TV between June 3-5, and I will now preview June 3rd’s televisual treats:

METAL MICKEY: The Queen (Irene Handl) and Theresa May (Metal Mickey) summon a racist orange lump which causes chaos, as the prime minister trundles about saying “boogie boogie” and “strong and stable”.

FILM – CARRY ON TRUMPING: Pomp, ceremony and golden showers as US President Sid T. Rumpo (Sid James) is invited by the Queen (June Whitfield) for a state visit in which he holds talks with Theresa May (Joan Sims), removes a blonde woman’s clothing with his golf club, is interviewed on TV by his buddy Prize Moron (Jack Douglas) and hangs out with Niggle Farrago (Kenneth Williams) and Boris Johnson (Bernard Bresslaw). Also starring Fenella Fielding as Melania Rumpo, Windsor Davies as Huw Edwards, Charles Hawtrey as Jacob Widdle-Bogg and Barbara Windsor as Ivanka Rumpo.

ORANGE DONALD: Children’s magazine show. Learn how to make Trump Tower using two toilet roll insides, a cereal box, a washing-up liquid bottle and double-sided sticky tape. Also see how the show’s pet Wiggy is getting on. And the latest on the Orange Donald Appeal for materials to build a border wall.

THE MAKE-AMERICA-GRATE-AGAIN EGG RACIST: Four teams of boffins compete to find out whether Donald Trump glows in the dark.

WHO WANTS TO BOO A BILLIONAIRE? Quiz. Includes the question “How bigly does Donald Trump want a border wall?”.

THE PISS IS RIGHT: “Come on down!” game show in which an elderly billionaire property tycoon guesses the prices of a sandwich toaster and a bottle of urine.

CELEBRITY BIG OT: “Disgusting Don” sits in the diarrhoea room whining “John McCain’s ghost and Barack Obama want me evicted” and demands covfefe and a golden shower before stomping into the kitchen to dispense racist, sexist, homophobic and disabilist abuse.

THE SKY AT NIGHT: Special edition devoted to the Trump Baby Blimp.

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Poem: Tories Out

Another poem I wrote last night while watching news coverage of the beginning of the end of May.


To paraphrase

What the Bae Of Pigs once said

In the name of God

Go, woman

(And you can go too, Bo.)

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Poem: Squexit

I wrote two poems last night while watching news coverage of Theresa May’s comeuppance.

Lines on Chris Erskine leaving Partick Thistle for Livingston:



Always a Thistle legend

Loves the club

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Christmas, birthday and Star Wars

I had delicious beetroot bake for Christmas dinner. For presents I got Tim Marshall’s book about football chants Dirty Northern B*stards / Soft Southern B*stards, lemonade-scented shower gel and £15.

I’m still reading John Fisher’s biography of Tommy Cooper (which I’m now two-thirds of the way through) and yes, I did watch the programme about Cooper on Channel 5 on Christmas Day. (Because I like to have a non-fiction book and a fiction book on the go at the same time I’m also halfway through re-reading Prince Caspian, which I last read when I was 17.)

It was my 45th birthday on New Year’s Day. I had macaroni & chips for lunch and got David Mitchell’s book Thinking About It Only Makes It Worse (the David Mitchell from That Mitchell & Webb Look, not the one who wrote Cloud Atlas), a pack of soul message cards, a CD of Tim Buckley’s Greetings From LA and £15 as presents.

In an update of the post I made about annoying movie characters – over the Christmas / New Year period I have finally seen the entire Star Wars prequel trilogy, so have been able to form an opinion of Jar Jar Binks. If the gooberfish had eaten Binks near the beginning of The Phantom Menace, it would have improved the prequels somewhat. (Then again, the gooberfish could – for all I know – have been a vegetarian like myself…)

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Glass, bottle – bottle, glass

I’m currently reading Always Leave Them Laughing, John Fisher’s biography of Tommy Cooper. It’s the book that the excellent drama about Cooper that was on ITV a few years ago (the one in which David Threlfall played him) was based on. It’s quite appropriate that I’m reading this book considering that Theresa May has made David Davis (who is, incidentally, real-life MP for Alan B’Stard’s constituency), Tweedledum & Tweedledee, Dominic Raab, Esther McVile, Suella Braverman, Thingy Bloke and Sam Gyimah disappear from the Tory frontbenches  – and now made today’s Commons vote on Brexit disappear too – just like that.

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Worst TV Sitcoms Ever

I’ve acquired a copy of Mark Lewisohn’s Radio Times Guide to TV Comedy, which has inspired me to decide once and for all what my favourite and least favourite television sitcoms are. I’ll start with the worst. In reverse order:

5. TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS: I don’t know if this show is still running, but I know it’s been on for a long time and I’ve never found it funny. Some people have called it a British equivalent of…

4. FRIENDS: Yes, THAT Friends. The world’s most popular sitcom ever or whatever it is. It is homophobic, sizeist, puerile tosh. The joke about the dog called Lapoo was so stupid that it wouldn’t even have got into those cringeworthy sketches Peter Glaze did on Crackerjack. At one time Channel 4 could have renamed itself The Friends Channel because they were showing so many repeats of Friends. I haven’t had the misfortune of seeing the spin-off Joey.

3. UP THE ELEPHANT AND ROUND THE CASTLE: Yes, the Jim Davidson shitcom is only the third worst.

The worst two sitcoms were both made by the same production company and I believe they were both written by the same guy. So the worst two sitcoms are:

2. MIND YOUR LANGUAGE: I hated this programme when I was a wean. This was partly because I remember them moving The Muppet Show – the greatest television programme ever – to a different timeslot to accommodate the dreadful shitcom. It was also racist and unfunny.

(Incidentally, my mother did a bit of EFL teaching when I was a teenager – I believe her students were a bit younger than the ones in Mind Your Language. She used a certain rag – I refuse to call it a “newspaper” – as a teaching aid.)

  1. BOTTLE BOYS This was basically a PG-rated version of those quasi-porn films its star Robin Askwith made a few years previously (eg. Confessions Of A Window Cleaner) but without the horrific sight of Askwith’s arse. It was full of “jokes” about tits. Also racist, homophobic, sexist. Just gruesome. And in the same way as a section of the Berlin Wall still stands just to show that the wall was there (I know people who’ve visited it), every rotten episode of Bottle Boys has been preserved for posterity just to show that this horror was made and transmitted.


Bread; Oh Doctor Beeching; Men Behaving Badly; Miranda; Duty Free; Cannon & Ball’s Plaza Patrol; Grandad (the Clive Dunn sitcom whose only redeeming feature was that it had nothing to do with his dreadful kiddie-choir number one single of the same title).


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Poem – Thank You Skippy

(after Despicable Me 2)

He doesn’t have boo-boos

He ponytails his hair

Skippy is beyond compare

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