This weekend, there will as usual be a lot of programmes on British television. These will include an episode of the world’s greatest-ever sitcom Dad’s Army and lots of gripping snooker – as well as the news, which hopefully will feature a clip of Kingsley sprinting across the Firhill pitch to hug somebody (Kris Doooooooooooolan, who could potentially be making his 401st Jags appearance this arvo? Banzo? Blair Spittal? Christie Elliott? James Penrice? Gary Harkins?) after we whoop Ayr again. Also there will be two 1987 TOTPs on both of which Rick Astley sang his famous list of things he’s never gonna do. On a pay-per-view channel there will be the Edinburgh derby at Easter Road. Craig Levein’s list of things he’s never gonna do includes “never gonna give Ryan Edwards any first-team game time” which doesn’t really scan as a song. (The scorer of 2017/18’s Thistle Goal of the Season – the worldie he scored in the Right Said Fred Cup against St.Johnstone – has only played for Hearts’ first team in the pre-season friendly against us, which is almost certainly the only Jambos first-team game wee Ryan will ever play. For some strange reason he played for Hearts’ youth team in August.)
There will also be a lot of programmes on British TV between June 3-5, and I will now preview June 3rd’s televisual treats:
METAL MICKEY: The Queen (Irene Handl) and Theresa May (Metal Mickey) summon a racist orange lump which causes chaos, as the prime minister trundles about saying “boogie boogie” and “strong and stable”.
FILM – CARRY ON TRUMPING: Pomp, ceremony and golden showers as US President Sid T. Rumpo (Sid James) is invited by the Queen (June Whitfield) for a state visit in which he holds talks with Theresa May (Joan Sims), removes a blonde woman’s clothing with his golf club, is interviewed on TV by his buddy Prize Moron (Jack Douglas) and hangs out with Niggle Farrago (Kenneth Williams) and Boris Johnson (Bernard Bresslaw). Also starring Fenella Fielding as Melania Rumpo, Windsor Davies as Huw Edwards, Charles Hawtrey as Jacob Widdle-Bogg and Barbara Windsor as Ivanka Rumpo.
ORANGE DONALD: Children’s magazine show. Learn how to make Trump Tower using two toilet roll insides, a cereal box, a washing-up liquid bottle and double-sided sticky tape. Also see how the show’s pet Wiggy is getting on. And the latest on the Orange Donald Appeal for materials to build a border wall.
THE MAKE-AMERICA-GRATE-AGAIN EGG RACIST: Four teams of boffins compete to find out whether Donald Trump glows in the dark.
WHO WANTS TO BOO A BILLIONAIRE? Quiz. Includes the question “How bigly does Donald Trump want a border wall?”.
THE PISS IS RIGHT: “Come on down!” game show in which an elderly billionaire property tycoon guesses the prices of a sandwich toaster and a bottle of urine.
CELEBRITY BIG OT: “Disgusting Don” sits in the diarrhoea room whining “John McCain’s ghost and Barack Obama want me evicted” and demands covfefe and a golden shower before stomping into the kitchen to dispense racist, sexist, homophobic and disabilist abuse.
THE SKY AT NIGHT: Special edition devoted to the Trump Baby Blimp.