On June 4th, the second day of Britain being enveloped in a cloud of orange bawbaggery, there will be programmes on British television. A preview of these programmes follows:
TRUMPTON: After the success of Judd Trump’s exhibition match against Barney McGrew at Trumpton’s 147 Snooker Club, Trumpton Golf Club invite Donald Trump to a charity event. The President causes chaos, making a strange, cryptic speech which upsets Mrs Honeyman’s baby – and the event ends in the enactment of the entire lyrics of a certain Half Man Half Biscuit classic.
FOX & FRIENDS: Hard-hitting political programme for the under-fives. Fearless political interviewer Basil Brush grills Mr Donald, who responds to Basil’s probing by repeatedly spouting “This is FAKE NEWS!”, “Walls work!”, “WHEN AM I APPEARING ON FOX & FRIENDS?” “I WANT PISS!” and the bizarre, cryptic outburst “PISS WOODEN ASK THESE QUESTIONS! PISS WOODEN!“.
THE PLANK II: Sequel to Eric Sykes’ classic semi-silent comedy film. Lord Chief Justice James Edwards (Jimmy Edwards) orders security guards Eric Sykes and Tommy Cooper to borrow Extinction Rebellion’s glue to stick Donald Trump’s arse to a plank and carry President and plank across London while making sure that during transportation Trump doesn’t touch any women, fire anybody, give interviews to Piers Morgan, try to make any speeches or attempt to build any border walls.
DON’S HOUSE PARTY: A programme even more grim than Noel’s House Party, the Late Late Breakfast Show, that other awful programme (you know, the one that was just like Noel’s House Party except it wasn’t live, there was no Blobby and every week they’d pretend the studio was the Australian outback or Mars or Ancient Rome) and that Radio 1 show that Noel Edmonds did on Sunday mornings when I was a wee girl (it was like a cross between Noel’s House Party and the Late Late Breakfast Show, but at least it was on radio so you didn’t have to look at it.) Join Donald Trump and his gruesome buddy Mr Faragey in the Trump Great House in Orangey Bottom as the Commander-In-Chief fires his staff, plays hidden-camera pranks on Bernie Sanders, grabs 1000 dollars and gets squirted with pish in the Trump Great House’s urine tanks.
THE ORANGE & WHITE MINSTREL SHOW: Another grim spectacle. Archaic racism as the Orange & White Minstrels strut around in their orangeface make-up in the creepy manner of both the 45th POTUS and the Black & White Minstrels. (Fact: when the Black & White Minstrel Show was made and broadcast in black & white, the “black” make-up was actually red so they’ll have looked not dissimilar to Donny Dolt.)
QUESTION TIME: Hosted by Donald Trump and Nigel Farage, with a panel of Ann Widdecombe, Gimli, Esther McVile and Michael Gove. Oh, and Fiona Bruce. And a busload of poisonous plants.
Back soon with a preview of June 5th’s TV.